Today I learned that I do not control the universe.
Having all my lesson plans ready and organized for the coming days, I went to pick up my wife from work. On the way, I thought I’d give a quick call to my parents, to let them know I was alive and assuage the guilt of not calling them for over a month.
Long story short: my father has been sick. Quite sick. My sister and brother-in-law too.
For the past three weeks, he has battled high temperatures, joint pain, chronic fatigue, and faced a barrage of tests which have poked and prodded him, including an extraction of bone marrow. His blood platelet count is down, and he has tested positive for Lyme disease.
Needless to say, a bit concerned here.
For the past few weeks, I have been restless, wanting to put my faith into action, dissatisfied with the lack of discussion and questioning of my home church, Emmanuel, and seeking new places to connect with my Christian peers. I’ve wanted to take the reins with my walk with God and determine the new and next paths to go down. This has been a good thing, partially. But I’ve also allowed myself to become a bit self-absorbed, withdrawn, and irritable. Not exactly a place of openness and communication. Which, of course, would lead to grace, if my impatience would give it just a moment to seep into my shielded soul.
So for all my renewed theological arguments, I’m reduced to a speechless state of worry, and only able to offer my father the words “I’ll pray” and “I really want you to get well.”
Left simply to recognize my worry and concern, and offer it up to He who says “I am with you.”
Even though I’ve wanted to be by myself.
I now know I am not.
I don’t know if I really believe that sometimes, but in either case…
Grace and peace.